Eve Stoyan - Life Coach

The price of letting go that nobody talks about

(5 minute read)

Have you recently faced a situation where you needed to let go of someone or something? Perhaps your kid’s application to that amazing high school at the other end of town, because it’s too far in the morning traffic? Or a promotion at work because it would mean working hours you no longer are willing to work? Or a marriage that has run its course and has come to a crash moment you’re trying to handle as gracefully as possible…?

Life puts us up against situations where we are called to let go over and over again. In part it is just how our human design works. As children we let go of phases naturally, and leave behind crawling, diapers and the training wheel on our bicycle without much nostalgia. Yet as we grow older it gets harder. Do you too, maybe have a very talented friend who has been at a job she’s been complaining about for the past 5 years, and yet just seems unwilling to let go of? We all know people holding on to situations in their lives that no longer serve. We all are that person at one point or other of our lives.

Eastern philosophy, and Buddhism in particular has long since embraced the concept of non-attachment. Living through life observing the people and events around us, along with the feelings they trigger within – without holding on to a specific outcome. Yet tuning into the Zen of this non-duality focused worldview while trying to navigate the ever louder, performance conscious world we share is no easy feat.

There are two tools that I regularly use with clients to make the path a little lighter. The first and more commonly known is future pacing. Imagine you are 2 years past the current situation you are trying to solve. Now imagine that you have been able to resolve it to your satisfaction and your future self has happily moved on. What would that future self say to the “you” of today? I connect to my higher mind, to my intuitive self, much more easily when I’m relaxed and able to be present in the now. I recommend you first do a mediation, run a bath, or go for an actual run – whatever works for you. The goal is for you to be as relaxed as possible to be able to deeply tune into your intuitive mind-body-soul wisdom.

It’s worth mentioning at this stage that your future self will have experiences, learnings and wisdom you might not have access to today. When you look back at the cost of having had to let go of whatever it is that you’re grappling with now, you might see it from a completely different perspective.

The second lifehack I like to use, has to do with pleasurable procrastination. Yes, all cards on the table. I’m a professional procrastinator. And that can work really well when it comes to letting go. Rather than rushing into the pain of letting go completely (or avoiding it with all its consequences) I let go of whatever it is I’m dealing with – for now. Putting off the task of cutting ties definitely might trick your mind into moving outside of your preestablished comfort zone more easily, for now. Think of it as a test run. You give yourself the opportunity to test out your hypothesis, that your life would be happier with you having let go of whatever it was that you wanted to let go of. It is temporary. And setting an actual deadline to reevaluate your decision you leave yourself a little backdoor to come back to and decide differently.

If, with your deadline approaching you feel that you still want to have in your life that circumstance you were hanging on to, you can backtrack and take a different course. Supported by all the insight and experience of the person you have become in the time since. If, however it worked out well, you can continue along your path, a little lighter and a little brighter for having put down that part of your personal baggage.

Letting go has a price. It is mostly the courage to experiment with making a however small change that lies outside of your safe space. And the trust in your future self, that, should you want to make adjustments in the future, they will be able to give a better answer than you would be today.

It also comes at the price of lovingly holding space for that future self that has been able to move on. Because ultimately, letting go always comes with giving up our attachment to being the victim of our current situation, of “having to” let go of something, of not being able to have it all. Stepping into your light, leaving behind that disempowered self is the greatest of healing journeys anyone can have. But that’s a reflection for another day.

Breathe in deep. Feel into your center. And take a step forward. You’ve got this.
And if you have a specific question, hit reply – I will personally get back to you with a few pointers.

With all my heart,
Eve Stoyan